Yesterday I Dissed, So Today I'll Kiss: Best Self-Tanner

Hello, kittens. On the cusp of summer in Indiana, I'm looking at how my skin over-wintered. Not particularly well. For the first time ever, I'm a little craggy. Dehydrated. And terribly pale and freckly. It's beginning to show just how carefree and hedonistic I've been on thousands of splendid summer days. Fine. I own the fact I destroyed my collagen, melanin and whatever the hell else by baking and browning myself steadily from 1987-1997. As a teenager, I would emerge from our Hoth-like back door in my bathing suit at the sight of the spring's first rays to brave at least a windburn  in order to escape being so pasty white. 

When tanning beds came to town, I was banging on the salon door to get in, sometimes twice a day if need be. Like most broads of a certain age, I used the baby oil & iodine preparation along with foil-covered album covers, iridescent pool floats and silver space age tanning blankets to maximize sun exposure. People who knew me back in high school probably wouldn't recognize me now that I rock my natural skin color. Compound all this exposure with numerous tropical vacations and lots of bad equatorial sunburns since, and it's no wonder I have to have not one but two complete skin checks a year, and I'm covered with scars from icky spots that had to be removed. 

Let me be the first to tell you IPL treatments will blast the hizz-ell out of some sunspots, but it's like 100 angry bees buzzing your cheeks. Imagine an episode of Tom & Jerry where Tom's tail is on fire. It turns firepoker red, his blood boils, steam comes out of his ears, and then he starts yelping. That's what laser treatments are like: not too bad on the first zap or two, but pretty soon, you're holding yourself down and bracing for it! They're really effective, but you pretty much have to do it numerous times, and the treatments are expensive (my doc charges $250-300 per session). 

    And whilst you wait for the damage to visibly work its way to the surface of your skin, literally crusting and flaking off in your personal molting process, you must avoid contact with sunlight to the point of vampirism (*side note, i don't mean vampirism per se, or even that you must secret yourself away to read Twilight books (cack!), but i do mean you can't be out at the ballfield, or boating, or gardening. sunlight will roast the hell out of your newly refurbished complexion and whatever damage you had before will be worse... and also, if you have had a really good run of it, you won't want anyone to see you looking like Howdy Doody with all this brown flecky shit all over your face!).

  Since stopping such sun worshipping foolishness once I turned 30, I find myself to be an underbelly of a fish kind of white. We're talking about a pallor of such magnitude one could easily show an outdoor movie at night on my sizable forehead. Needless to say, I find myself trying every bronzer and self tanner on the market, constantly hoping to find something decent that doesn't make me look Oompa Loompa Orange. I've found a few that don't make me want to throw up in my mouth, but everything at every price point is full of parabens and who knows what else. 

I may have mentioned in earlier posts that I have sensory issues (with everything, but especially food and makeup). The smell of most self-tanning creams just grosses me out. I don't like milky preparations, and I hate telltale streaks. I hate dirty hands, and messes.... so sunless tanning at home is not very feasible for me. 

I used to go to a spray tanning salon to be professionally airbrushed, but stopped doing it on a regular basis when they couldn't or wouldn't ever tell me what ingredients comprised their formula. I'm not comfortable with that, obviously. Also, I never found it terribly convenient to have to find a crappy bathing suit to wear to the place, make sure I have a brown or black schmata so I don't ruin a light colored tracksuit, avoid bathing for 24 hours and then stain up my nice white sheets. Eventually, I just threw in the towel and accepted my albanescent legs and even let them be hairy!

Finally the universe took pity on me (or perhaps those who have to look at me on a regular basis) and united me with one of my very favorite natural cosmetics companies, Lavera. They are the only skin care company to produce a totally safe sunless tanning product. 

On their website, they explain, "Two natural ingredients, vegetable-derived DHA (Dihydroxyactone) and the sugar agent Erythrulose, give your skin a wonderful fresh tan on a natural basis. These two ingredients react with the amino acids of the skin, resulting in a brownish tint of the pigment. This reaction is completely harmless and a safe alternative to chemical tanners. As with all Lavera products, our self tanners are certified natural...contain organic ingredients and are free of parabens and other synthetic ingredients."

I find the Lavera sunless tanning and sunscreen products delightful. They smell fine (a little orangey to me), and they actually work! Using the lotion, I was able to develop a subtle glow overnight, and didn't have schmears of product all over the place in the morning. It seemed to absorb quickly and get right down to business browning me up for a summer sundress! Best of all: no parabens! Vegans, rejoice. Lavera has you covered with many appropriate options, including the aforementioned sun products. 

Remember kittens, you really should get checked over from head to toe once a year, regardless of your skin color. Also, self-tanning products do not protect you from the sun in and of themselves (unless it says so specifically on the package), so YOU MUST USE SUNSCREEN!!! Apply it to yourself liberally at least 30 minutes before you plan to be in the sun (if possible). Reapply and wear wide brims and enormous sunglasses!  

Do You Know What You're Slathering On Your Largest Organ?

Your skin isn’t simply a sheath holding in your guts and bones; it’s an organ itself. As evidenced by certain birth control methods and hormone replacement creams, or nicotine patches, your skin can absorb strong chemicals (beneficial and toxic) that have significant reactions in the body once they enter the bloodstream.

      Eliminating unnatural petrochemicals, harsh preservatives, and estrogenic compounds can have profound and immediate effects on your skin, and even your entire body. For example, switching to fragrance free formulas eliminates noxious chemicals like formaldehyde (used to fix fragrances), and may alleviate allergies and headaches. 

    When I stopped buying the dryer sheets I’ve used since I started doing laundry (because they were the same brand my mother uses), I got rid of chronic headaches I’ve had for years. The skin on my arms stopped the itching I’ve had since childhood when I got rid of my mother’s old standby detergent, as well.

    Despite my addictive use of hair color, my scalp and hairline aren’t burned up and broken down now that I have outlawed parabens and sulfates in all hair products in the house. In short, the entire family has healthier skin, but  learning about the ingredients in cosmetics and soaps can be a full-time project.

    Thankfully, the brilliant broads at Organic Divas have done the homework for you, even creating a little cheat sheet you can carry in your purse. If you really want to take your understanding to the next level, go straight to Skin Deep, the Environmental Working Group’s ginormous database. You can access the ingredients and safety ratings for virtually every beauty product on the market, including sunscreens. 

    So what are you slathering onto your skin? Mineral oils, petroleum products, plastics, stuff that goes into antifreeze? The chances are Yes! if your routine includes many old American favorites. Now is the time to reevaluate and question the safety and purity of everything you put on and into your body.

    When you’re on vacation, do you look forward to a nice, relaxing facial at your resort’s spa? Before you book appointments, research the facility’s lines, and possibly be prepared to bring your own healthy alternatives for the facialist to use. On my last trip, I checked into a spa, received the world’s worst facial rubdown, was charged triple what the service was worth, and later broke out with rashes and pimples that I’m still battling a month later!

    I should have known better. For months, nothing but pure, natural, organic products have touched my skin. When I came off the facialist’s table, I took a look at her arsenal. A no-name brand, seemingly one step up from generic. Two different kinds of parabens.  And then there was the Hexyl blah, blah, blah. Nothing I could discern but alcohol and glycerine. Impure, cheap crap loaded with preservatives in just one of several products this so-called “skin care expert” used on my face. Hello 100 zits and red rashes.

    Conversely, some spas (usually large franchises such as Relache Day Spas in Gaylord Hotels) offer organic products from natural brands like Eminence, and the services actually nourish and repair the skin. If you’re really lucky, your journey will take you someplace home to a Dr. Hauschka Day Spa! 

    For other services like exfoliation, refuse unsanitary pedicure razors and scrubs with plastic beads that can scratch the skin and damage our waterways when rinsed down the drain.